Final letter to my Grandmother

Dear paati,

I miss you so much already. You were and will always be my favorite. You were my EVERYTHING since my childhood. My first love! My role model! My first fan! You left me and this world around 6pm on Feb 24th 2024 and I’m writing this letter as I fly to India to see you one last time.

You were a very very special person in my life. You sacrificed a lot for me. I was blessed to have you as my paati and you loved me and showed abundant care and love that no other granddaughter would have ever received from her grandmother.

My childhood memories with you are still fresh and I will never forget all you did for me – Right from soothing me whenever I cried or got hurt, making sure you were home when I got back from school, making sure my favorite after-school snack was ready everyday, making sure I got ready on time for my evening classes, making sure I walked safely on the sidewalk in the busy roads, making sure you stood where I could see you when you came to pick me up from my classes, making sure I’m not getting tanned playing in the sun, making sure you knew all my friends and making sure I was comfortable wherever I was. You did everything!!! I am who I am today because of you.

There is not a single close friend of mine who doesn’t know you. Some close ones even now remember how much I have troubled you while eating food. They still remember how we used to run behind each other (actually you chasing me) with my food plate all over the street. I was such a naughty little girl! I wouldn’t eat anything but you had so much patience to feed me and take care of me every single day.

Oh I’ll admit! I hated you when you started liking Lemon more than me after marriage. The first thing you asked me every time we spoke the past 14 years is “how’s Lemon”! 🙂 Lemon and I are both forever grateful for all your love and care.

I miss you so much paati. No other grandmother-granddaughter relationship in this world could ever be equivalent to ours! Our relationship has been the bestest!

You may have passed on now but your memories will always be with me. I will never forget you. I will never stop loving you.

We were a small-family-of-four. Both you and Amma have now left this world. Please give strength to me and appa to live in this world without the two of you. We need your blessings.

Love,

Lavender

Saturday Scribbles

I decided to relax today. I woke up late. I made lunch and went to my favorite salon. I had my hair retextured, came back home and ate lunch.

From wavy hair….

…to straight hair

Come afternoon, I got ready and went to hospital to visit Appa. While I was there, Appa wanted to talk to the kids… So video call it was! Thatha and pethi were talking and I used the opportunity to make Lily practice her Carnatic music swaras since she has a vocal test tomorrow.

That’s Lily and me practicing music via video call 😅

I wanted to go shopping in the evening but was too tired to do anything… so I picked up pizza on my way home for our dinner…

And this was our dinner today….

When we all finished dinner, I got a call from P and she said her car broke down and she is stuck with her kids at a gas station…We jumped to help them! While P was waiting in the gas station and getting her car fixed, her kids came to our place to play with Lime and Lily.

Since the kids were all hungry, I made pasta for their dinner…

Kids just finished their dinner and are all happily playing together… I’m sitting in my favorite spot in the house and writing this post.. Will P’s car get fixed on time? Will the kids be more hungry after a while? Will I get to watch a movie tonight? Will I do anything more today? I don’t know!

You all peeps just stay tuned to know more…

#Blogathon2023

Back home

Appa is back home!! He had a biopsy yesterday and is doing good for now. He is a little tired but much better than how he was one week ago. We are going to have to wait for his biopsy results to come later next week and then determine the treatment plan . Until then it is all about taking good care of ourselves. Thank you to all those who prayed for him 🙏🏻

All I want to do now is relax. Take lots of rest. Pray that the whatever he has is not malignant. Pray that all this gets over soon.

And, I can’t wait to celebrate Pongal with everyone in the family tomorrow.

Happy Pongal everyone! 🙂

#Blogathon2023

Another post with no title

I never liked anything grey and white. I never liked monitor beeping sounds. I never liked needles. I never liked white beds. I never liked the sound of an ambulance. Only because it all scares me. Scares me bad. Scares me more! And makes me remember what I dread the most!

These days, all of the above have become normal. I goto the hospital almost every day. I make sure dad’s monitors are hooked properly so they beep when the vitals are off… I make sure he is able to call the nurse from his bedside. I sit beside him and even work from there. I’ve found my own sweet little spot in the corner of his room.

This view keeps me going through the day

At first, I never wanted to sit in that chair. I never wanted to use that tray as my table. But I had to! I had be there for appa. I had to go visit him. I had to work from there.

All this is new because, for Amma, I was not at the hospital with her until her last hospital admission. Every time she was at a hospital, my dad and my cousins would be with her. I was so far away from Chennai that Amma never wanted me to make a trip to just come see her at the hospital. She hated hospitals too!

So, this is all new to me.

My dear friend Tharani inspired me to take a pic of me working from hospital….so here you go –

These are bad memories but I’m loving that I’m able to be with appa during the trying times!

#Blogathon2023

From the past…

I was thinking a lot about the past today. A lot about how my Amma, Appa, Paati and I would spend time together. There were no major outings, no get togethers, no movies, no outside food, nothing fancy. But yet we enjoyed our little life! This post is about one such time! I’m posting it here because I want it to be part of my blog.

There are so many people in my life and I miss many of them. However, amongst all of them, these days I miss my Amma the most. And her silly behavior!

My Amma would be a perfect nominee for “I often embarrass my daughter” award…. if one such category ever existed.

Let me flashback to my high school days. I was this nerd who went to TNPCEE exam coaching center. Every weekend I went to the coaching center near my home. On my second week there, I noticed a boy in the class. He was cute, charming and had exceptional looks. I enjoyed noticing him secretly and I thought he was drool worthy!! All this thought motivated me to goto the coaching center every week. It took away the boredom and made me listen in the class. I’d sometimes go early or stay late just to not miss any chance to make eye contact with this boy.

After few weeks of admiration, I told my mom all about him. Being the only daughter, Amma was my best friend! I shared everything with her! No secrets! So, I told her all about how good looking he is. Amma was as excited as me and told me to show him to her when she comes to pick me up.

The following week, I left the class early. I saw Amma waiting outside for me and I ran to her. We both found a perfect spot to stand so I can show her the boy.

Soon, I saw him approaching us. When he was close enough, I whispered to Amma “this is him”. When he came close to her and when she was able to take a good look at him, she shook her head in disapproval and shouted for almost the whole earth to hear: “CHIIII! Ivan ah? He is not good looking at all!! Mother Nature, kill me now. I thought. I was super embarrassed that I did not even bother to wait for Amma. I left her alone and I ran home.

Did the boy hear Amma? Did he see me run? What happened after that is a story for another day!

#Blogathon2023

What a strange life

My life is strange indeed. As I type this post, a lot of things are going on in my mind. And it is all about my dad. For those of you who don’t know dad’s health has been deteriorating this past month. He has been in the hospital for more than a week and we still do not know the diagnosis. What they say he could have has left me completely shaken.

A random stomach pain last month revealed he has lots of fluids in his stomach. From then on it has been a downhill.

Hospital says he has stage 4 cancer. Reports from the lab suggest neither TB nor liver cirrhosis. His initial biopsy results show no malignancy. However they say whatever is happening to him is irreversible and unstoppable.

I have been in a state of shock ever since. I’m unable to process all this. How can a person with no known health issues get to a stage 4 cancer stage all of a sudden? How could he have no other symptoms at all? We happened to find all this randomly? What could have happened if we never looked into the stomach pain and thought it was a stomach bug or something?

And for what possible reason is life being so unfair to me? I’ve still not gotten over my moms passing. I’m unable to get over with what’s happening with dad. How can this be really happening?

My mom went through hell during her last few days and I witnessed it all. I can’t see my dad go through pain now. This is all happening so quick. This is all so unfair.

Appa just started living with us in the US and was getting used to this lifestyle. He is supposed to spend more time with his grandkids and enjoy his retired life with me.

The thought of what worse could happen scares me now. All I do these days is pity myself for being an only child. For having no sibling to share my thoughts. For having no other family support. For having no one other than Lemon.

As of now, we are waiting for an oncologist appointment to figure out what line of treatment lies ahead and what actually we should be doing. Please keep appa and all of us in your prayers.

X for Xerox

People often told me how much I look like my mom. I always thought they meant in my nature and not personality. Nowadays every time I’m in front of a mirror, I see mom in myself a lot of ways. I definitely got my hair color, texture and thickness from my mom.

And Lily? She is definitely a mini-me. The way she talks, the way she smiles, the way she dances when no one is looking, and most people think she will look like my mom when gets older. It’s a beautiful thing to see my mom live on in her.

Lime has my twinkling eyes. He gets angry just like me. He loves shopping just like me. However, he looks up to Lemon as a role model to follow.

I’m going to leave you all with some pictures….

Like daddy like daughter! Both browsing through the phone

Like daddy like son! Same sleeping pose

P.S.: Notice there is no photo of me even though I said the kids resemble me a lot? Because my dear Lemon never cares to click pictures. I’m the photographer in the family.

#Blogathon2020, #A-ZWriting

R for Relax

My to-do list is long and my bullet list is bursting. And it seems like I always have something to do or should be doing. I end up feeling guilty if I’m not being productive. So this weekend, I decided to take off from my scheduled tasks. I decided to give my brain some rest.. some time to relax. Solely so I can recharge and have a day free from stress, pressure and always-stay-busy mindset.

1. I went alarm free this weekend. And guess what happened? The kids woke up early!!!! They can wake up at 5:30 or 6:00 AM on a weekend but can never wake up even by 7:00 AM on a school day. Sigh!! And then they don’t just wake up. They do this to you…..

That’s Lily pulling my hair infinite number of times with one hand and thumb-sucking her other hand. And Lime taking pictures!!!!

2. After waking up early (read after awakened early by the kids this morning) I gifted myself a long hot bath with my favorite bath bomb. If you are looking for some nice new soaps, try this and this. I love them!

3. And then I decided to treat myself. Found this shoe in Nordstrom Rack and I’m soooooo much in love. I saw someone wearing something similar long long ago and since then I’ve been searching for one.

3. I let the kids have lots of fun at home so I can relax. And Lily was so excited to play with Lime. Happy kids = Happy evening!!!!

4. I then watched a movie. A full movie peacefully at home. Randomly picked something on Netflix and watched it till the end! Bliss it is to get that kind of time at home!!!!

Anyways, the week ahead is going to be crazy and this was a much needed relaxation.

Happy Sunday, all!

#Blogathon2020, #A-ZWriting, #Weekends

K for Keepsake

Keepsake is a very special thing that we keep to remind us of a person, or a place or a memory. It might have travelled with us in a suitcase from another country or we might have found it ourselves. It might have even been passed down through generations in the family. Whatever it is or however we got it, they are so special. Aren’t they?

Here’s a list of some of mine that is so close to my heart.

This hanuman picture from my Grandma is so special to me. I take this pic with me every vacation and to every long drive.

This one is from my dad… This is my favorite jewelry set. I wear it only on special occasions.

And this one is from my mom. I still remember the day we went shopping. This ring was not on our list of things to buy. Yet she got it for me just because it liked it. Ever since I’ve worn it everyday. It’s my favorite ring!

We have many souvenirs from so many travel, but my favorite is this one. I got this somewhere in New York. I never use it though! It’s just there for me to love and admire.

I have a few more special keepsakes but I’ll save it for another post.

#Blogathon2020, #A-ZWriting, #Keepsakes

Eleventh hour of my night!

It is late at night. I sit on my couch, listening to some random music. I see Lemon in the Kitchen reloading the dishwasher. (He is unloading the unwashed dishes I already loaded, and loading them back again – silly fellow! He tells me I don’t load the dishes properly!! He has so much patience to take them all out and then rearrange them at 11’o clk in the night!)

I look around the room. TV is on. Lime and Lily are sleeping on the other end of the couch. The room is messy. Toys, stickers, tape, papers, markers and crayons are all lying around on the floor.  However, the disorderliness does not bother me. (This is a home that we have built far away in a world that belongs to just us. The thought that I rule this whole place is so comforting. The mess can be dealt with later!)

I stand up, turn off the TV, take Lily and leave the room. I tell Lemon to bring Lime upstairs to his bedroom after rearranging the dishes, in his way, in the dishwasher. (OMG! He is still loading the dishes! One by one. One after the other! Big and small. Long and short. One by one. One after the other! With so much patience!)

I sigh! I go upstairs to sleep.

#Blogathon2020 #A-Z writing ✍️